Odd Man Out

For most of my life, I have been the odd man out in one way or the other. Either its because im the only person in the group with no boyfriend or the only black person. Over time this has become very frustrating and all of a sudden one day I just woke up angry! The bad part is that I didnt know why, because I have great friends whom I love dearly. I guess it has just all mounted up over time especially at work. I think I realized in June that some of so called closest friends have no idea who I really am because I have spent all my effort attempting to fit into someone else's world and I just don't have the energy to do that anymore. I was frustrated because I am hardly ever in my comfort zone. I did recently go on an awesome trip to Chicago and even though I was the seventh wheel, I had an amazing time with some of my best friends. It was nice because number one it was a diverse group of people and I didn't feel like I had in anybody else's gear in life. All those friends in the picture above I have made through work, I work with the three guys and those are there wives/fiance's. Even though there are some co-workers that I feel understand and really know me, there are a lot of close friends at work that I feel like don't have a clue, and its mostly my female co-workers. I suppose this is my fault because when I got hired I was and still am the only black female so my thinking was come in, lay as low as possible and not ruffle and feathers. With that I just found myself in our outings just doing whatever the group did really keeping my way of life to myself because I figured they wouldn't get it or just didn't want to know. I mean the music that I like, the movies I watch, the shows I watch, the way my family works etc, I feel incredibly different in that group! I mean it wasn't until I started working there that I have every been told my family was different or weird because my parents are married, they have raised me in a pretty much peaceful enviorment, and was able to provide for me like parents should. Through high school and college, thats the way all my other friends had it too so it wasn't abnormal! Even though, I love all my girls at work to death and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them because they have been there for me in a lot of ways and are an important part of my life. Im not gonna beat a dead horse about always being the fifth wheel. Thats the way its been from middle school. All my friends had guys that wanted to date them and I never got much attention. I had pretty friends in school so the guys would act like they wanted to hang out with me and then I would soon find that it was only to get to one of my girls. Over time this lowered my self esteem so I have made my own defense mechanism against it. Im just gonna assume that this part of my life will never change sense at this point any guy that tries to talk to me, I can't stand for one reason or another. I just decided sense I got kicked to the curb so often in the past, Im gonna make I hard hell for any guy to get close to me and I have been rather successful at that, its kind of fun. There is just somethings I won't budge on when it comes to men because im a scorpio and I know what I want, when I see it, I will quit being so difficult. Oh it will take a real special man to get me to pay any attention to them! Holla, I catch yall on the next go round!